Zork

You’re peacefully doomscrolling through TikTok. Or Facebook. Or YouTube Shorts. Maybe all three. Then it happens. “THE TRILLIONAIRE ALPHA WHO OWNS THE MOON?! 😱🐺💰” You sigh. Not another AI slop reel. The narrator immediately starts talking in that weird robotic voice. “Meet… Zork. Or Zirk. Maybe Zorb. The subtitles say Zack. We honestly have no idea.” Fantastic. Apparently Zirk is a trillionaire. No wait, a gazillionaire. Actually, this scene says he’s “only” a billionaire because he accidentally spent the rest buying Jupiter. He’s also the most powerful Alpha werewolf alive. …Except five seconds later he’s apparently a vampire. Then the next image shows him as a six-foot-tall sentient paper bag wearing sunglasses. The narrator doesn’t even acknowledge it. “His mysterious powers make every woman and man fall in love with him instantly…” Sure. “His enemies fear his 900-pack abs and unlimited credit score.” Naturally. Every scene looks like it was generated by twelve different AIs arguing with each other. His eye color changes every frame. His hair goes from black to blond to silver to somehow bald with a ponytail. His mansion keeps morphing into castles, yachts, and occasionally a Costco. Then comes the dramatic reveal. “Can YOU resist… Zark?” The comments are absolute chaos. “His name is Zack.” “Wasn’t he a vampire ten seconds ago?” “WHY IS HE A PAPER BAG???” Oddly enough… The paper bag episode actually had the best plot. You hate that you watched the whole thing. You hate even more that Part 2 starts playing automatically.