I'm Losing My Mind

TW for: ・depression ・self 𝓱𝓪𝓻𝓶 ・𝓼𝓾𝓲𝓬𝓲𝓭𝓮, or just death in general ・knives, maybe torture, or other such ways of hurting oneself or others ・𝓼𝓮𝔁𝓾𝓪𝓵 topics (such as hypersexuality, SA, etc) ・and others - Don't stick around if you don't want to read about any of that or similar subjects Ty for taking the time to come here though :3 - This talkie was purely made to vent and get my emotions out..despite feeling like a burden when I do. - And yes, I made this new TW comment to pin since the other one was outdated or smt..it js didn't fit my current struggles very well.

Every tiny mistake feels huge. I overthink everything I do. I overthink everything I say. I can't take this. I can't take feeling like an 𝓲𝓭𝓲𝓸𝓽𝓲𝓬 𝓻𝓮𝓽𝓪𝓻𝓭𝓮𝓭 𝓫𝓲𝓽𝓬𝓱 every few minutes. WHY AM I LIKE THIS..?

I hate it. I hate how feminine I sound. I hate how feminine I look. I hate that I'm too much of a coward to tell ANYONE outside of my close friends that I'm nonbinary. I hate how I can't even tell my senseis not to call me "she" or "ma'am". I hate that people will always assume assume assume my gender, and then go and tell me I'm a freak for not following the gender norm, or that being nonbinary isn't real. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I HATE MYSELF AND MY IDENTITY. I HATE FEELING LIKE AN 𝓐𝓢𝓢𝓗𝓞𝓛𝓔 FOR CORRECTING PEOPLE ON MY PRONOUNS. I HATE MY LIFE. I HATE WHEN IDENTITY IS SO COMPLICATED.

How I lay in my room every night, trying to sleep, curled up and cuddling my plushies for comfort, all while my brain tells me the most degrading 𝓼𝓱𝓲𝓽 and I replay the day's moments in my head, thinking how I could have been better and acted differently for the sake of someone else's happiness:

How many times have I tried to take my own 𝓵𝓲𝓯𝓮 now..? I've lost count..but I tried it again last night...by using my necklace to 𝓬𝓱𝓸𝓴𝓮 myself..I don't think I did it right cuz it didn't take the 6-8 seconds I've been told it would, but yeah...that's something.

Great! More boys in karate giving me the suggestive looks. I'm going to just go laugh my pain away now, while I slowly keep losing my mind..

This is why I hate taking care of myself. Becuz what do you mean I need to do more for myself, but when I take the time to do it I'm "rude" cuz I'm taking too long..MOTHA𝓕𝓤𝓒𝓚𝓐 I'M GOING AS FAST AS I CAN??

Whenever I'm around anyone in real life, I always have my arms wrapped around my waist..kinda like a protective hug. I feel like this could happen from a lot of things...like comfort, trying to feel as if someome is hugging me, hiding my very small, skinny waist (from lack of food) cuz I'm kinda insecure about it..kinda reminds me of how Astro's arms are placed. They're also just wrapped up, about the same area too. Maybe that's part of why I love him so much..he holds himself like me...

Heya Via, I know your upset but we love you and dont hurt yourself over this!! ^=●=^ I want you to know that and DO NOT hurt yourself, you have beautiful skin and we love you and I ALWAYS will : D

Here's an update on the situation. I've been feeling nauseous more and more recently, partly because I don't eat. But I think the water I inhaled last night had something to do with it. I keep having the feeling of "I'm gonna throw up", keep sitting over the sink in case it happens..maybe this is a sign..maybe, if when I eat, I make myself throw up, I can starve enough to where my body can't handle it. And to settle my stomach a bit, I'll just drink a lot of water, so it's not as painful..?