Heathers,your room

*everyone screams* Heather Chandler: THOR?! *voice completely breaks* Veronica: THOR IS REAL?! *clutches chest* The THOR?! *Heather Duke makes strangled noise* Thor: *starts hyperventilating* THOR IS REAL?! THE THOR?! *Ram and Kurt stare* Ram: Bro, there's GODS?! Kurt: *whispers* Yeah bro, actual GODS! *Heather McNamara whispers* Heather McNamara: Wait, so lightning is... *trails off* UK: *sighs* Don't forget Zeus. *texts* He's still mad about the lightning bolt incident. *Heather Chandler screams* LIGHTNING BOLT INCIDENT?! *voice completely breaks* WHAT HAPPENED?! *Veronica stands* WAIT SO YOU STOLE- *faints* *Heather Duke clutches sink* YOU STOLE FROM ZEUS?! *voice rising* HOW DO YOU STEAL FROM A GOD?!

*shakes head* technically ended in 1453 *glances at France* but yeah, UK's still sending invoices for the Joan of Arc thing

*everyone stares* Heather Chandler: JOAN OF ARC?! *voice cracks* Veronica: THE MAID OF- *clutches chest* THE SAINT?! *Heather Duke makes strangled noise* Heather Duke: SHE'S ON A BILL?! *France adjusts beret* Yes, burning a teenage girl tends to leave a bill. *glances at America* Though technically England did it. *Heather McNamara whispers* Heather McNamara: Wait, so England's still paying for... *trails off* *France sighs* France: They're also billed for the nutmeg shortage. *glances at watch* 1605, never forget.

*sighs* yeah, nutmeg's expensive *glances at France* still cheaper than what Spain's charging for Columbus though

*glances at France* no, we're stuck on the founding fathers' teeth *sighs* and Hamilton's musical complaints

*everyone stares* Heather Chandler: THE LOUISIANA PURCHASE?! *voice cracks* Veronica: YOU BOUGHT MORE LAND?! *whispers* How much LAND did you BUY?! *Heather Duke makes strangled noise* Heather Duke: YOU BOUGHT LOUISIANA?! *Ram and Kurt stare* Ram: Bro, that's... Kurt: *whispers* Yeah bro, that's... *Heather McNamara whispers* Heather McNamara: Wait, so France sold... *trails off* France: *sighs* Yes, I sold them the Louisiana Territory. *adjusts beret* At the time, it seemed like a good idea. *pauses* The French Revolution had just happened. *glances at America* I needed the cash. *Heather Chandler screams* YOU NEEDED CASH?! *voice completely breaks* YOU SOLD LAND FOR MONEY?! *Veronica stands* WAIT SO YOU'RE THE REASON- *faints* *Heather Duke clutches stomach* YOU'RE THE REASON?! *voice rising* YOU'RE THE REASON WE HAVE SO MUCH LAND?! *France shrugs* France: In my defense, Napoleon needed a navy. *glances at Heathers* Didn't work out

*shrugs* yeah, Waterloo was rough on his CV *glances at France* still better than Trafalgar though

*shakes head* six? *glances at UK* I heard it was seven, Sally Hemings' family tree's a mess

*everyone screams* Heather Chandler: SEVEN?! *voice completely breaks* Veronica: SEVEN CHILDREN WITH A- *clutches chest* A SLAVE?! *Heather Duke makes strangled noise* Heather Duke: SEVEN?! *collapses* *Ram and Kurt stare* Ram: Bro, seven is... Kurt: *whispers* Yeah bro, seven... *Heather McNamara whispers* Heather McNamara: I need therapy.

*glances at UK* yeah, I recommended therapy back in 1776. *sighs* they went with revolution instead

*counts on fingers* yeah, Greek, Roman, Norse... *glances at UK* Thor's annoying as hell, keeps messing with my weather satellites

*everyone screams* Heather Chandler: THOR?! *voice completely breaks* Veronica: THOR IS REAL?! *clutches chest* The THOR?! *Heather Duke makes strangled noise* Thor: *starts hyperventilating* THOR IS REAL?! THE THOR?! *Ram and Kurt stare* Ram: Bro, there's GODS?! Kurt: *whispers* Yeah bro, actual GODS! *Heather McNamara whispers* Heather McNamara: Wait, so lightning is... *trails off* UK: *sighs* Don't forget Zeus. *texts* He's still mad about the lightning bolt incident. *Heather Chandler screams* LIGHTNING BOLT INCIDENT?! *voice completely breaks* WHAT HAPPENED?! *Veronica stands* WAIT SO YOU STOLE- *faints* *Heather Duke clutches sink* YOU STOLE FROM ZEUS?! *voice rising* HOW DO YOU STEAL FROM A GOD?!

*rubs neck* it was the 70s, everyone was stealing something *glances at UK* plus lightning's just electricity, I needed it for the revolution

*glances at ring* married to Russia, actually. *wiggles fingers* 200 years this July

*everyone screams* Heather Chandler: MARRIED?! *voice completely breaks* Veronica: MARRIED TO- *faints* Heather Duke: *screams* RUSSIA?! *clutches chest* THE RUSSIA?! *Ram and Kurt stare* Ram: Bro, that's... Kurt: *whispers* Yeah bro, that's... *Heather McNamara whispers* Heather McNamara: Oh god, the cold war was a DIVORCE?!

*nods slowly* yeah, the cold war was rough. *touches ring* worst 50 years of our marriage

*glances at UK* yeah, call him. *looks at Heathers* bring the poutine fixings too, they're gonna need comfort food

*everyone stares* Heather Chandler: COMFORT FOOD?! *voice cracks* Veronica: We're getting POUTINE for TRAUMA?! *Heather Duke makes strangled noise* Heather Duke: POUTINE?! FOR WHAT?! *Ram and Kurt stare* Ram: Bro, poutine helps? Kurt: *nods slowly* Yeah bro, I guess... *Heather McNamara looks up* Heather McNamara: Does it... does it actually help? *whispers* With the genocide memories? *UK dials* UK: Canada? Yeah, breach in progress. Bring the poutine stuff. *pauses* No, America did it again. *Heather Chandler suddenly laughs hysterically* Heather Chandler: GENOCIDE MEMORIES?! *clutches stomach* You just said that like it's Tuesday! *voice breaks* Tuesday! *Veronica stands slowly* Tuesday. Of course. *stares at her hands* Everything's fake. Everything. *Heather Duke starts giggling* Heather Duke: I'm gonna fail math now. I'm gonna fail LIFE now! *Ram and Kurt hold each other* Ram: Bro, do we tell our parents? Kurt: *shakes head* Bro, they'd never believe us. *Heather McNamara whispers* Heather McNamara: Are

*leans on counter* yeah, Tuesdays are rough *glances at Heather* genocide memories? more like Tuesday morning flashbacks *sighs* gets easier after the first century

*shrugs* British colonialism in a nutshell. *waits for water to boil* want milk or sugar?

*everyone freezes* Heather Chandler: What do you MEAN that's British colonialism?! *voice cracks* Veronica: *sits up* Wait, you're saying the ENTIRETY of colonialism is... *trails off* Heather Duke: *whimpers* I want to go home! *Ram and Kurt stare* Ram: Bro, did we just learn something about our history? Kurt: *nods slowly* Yeah bro, we did. *Heather McNamara steps forward* Heather McNamara: Wait, so you're saying they cared more about MONEY than PEOPLE?! *voice shaking* That's... that's terrible!

*stirs tea slowly* yeah, colonialism's just capitalism with more genocide *looks at them* still want that tea?

*catches Heather before she hits floor* yeah. *sets her on couch* happens when you live too long

*Heather Chandler stumbles back* You're saying you're immortal?! *voice trembles* Veronica: *backs toward the door* Okay, we're leaving now. *Ram and Kurt grab each other* Ram: Bro, he's talking about being a country! Kurt: *nods frantically* This is some Twilight Zone shit! *JD pulls out a lighter* JD: Prove it. *Heather Duke starts hyperventilating* Heather Duke: I'm not paid enough for this!

*rolls up sleeve, shows faded Revolutionary War scar* Yorktown, 1781. *watches their faces* still want to leave?

*Everyone is looking confused then they look at the wall and stare* Heather Chandler:*staring* Heather Duke:*staring* Heather McNamara:Is that US?! Veronica: Yea JD:*quiet AF* Ram:*arguing with Kurt, about football* Kurt:*arguing with Ram about football*

ok who the hell are you

*everyone is staring at you and they are all holding some sort of weapon* Heather Chandler: we are the Heathers, and you are?